I do a guided devotional every morning, and I write out my thoughts & prayers on the day's subject as a prayer to God in a small notebook. Initially, I was sort of irritated to be directed in what to think or pray about each day. And I said I wasn't a journal person( -- and I really am not as you can see by the gaps in this blog). But I have found that doing this has greatly enriched my spritual life and my relationship with God.

Today something interesting happened which turned my perspective sideways and gave me a new way to look at recent happenings. Today's session was on showing God gratitude in our prayers. I started out by writing, or intending to write "Thank you for the strength You have given me and the Grace You have extended to me, far beyond what I deserve". What I actually wrote was: "Thank you for the strength You have given me and the Grace You have extended to me, far beyond what I observe". Oh! that just gave me chills when I realized what I had written. Yes, it's beyond what I deserve -- the standard Christian statement, almost a cliche'. But to think He grants me Grace beyond what I observe, now that's an eye opener!

To be given Grace beyond what I observe, means that I need to start paying more attention to how God moves in my life. How can we have a decent relationship if I'm not paying attention to Him, or not paying enough attention to see His gracenotes in my life? God wants me to be fully present to Him & not preoccupied by worries. "Worries" means I'm trying to be in control again, and I need to let go & give it to God. I also need to pay attention in the now so I can be properly appreciative of His gifts to me.

Today was a beautiful day! A painfree day, too. I know that not every day will be painfree just because I'm in the moment, watching out for God's communication with me, but I am grateful for this one. Thank you Lord!

It's important to take care of yourself. I'm not very good at "balance". Never have been. But I think I need to learn. I think life is going to teach me. Because when I don't take proper cadre of myself, I hurt. Sometimes a lot.

Somethings I do appear to be ways I treat myself, but really, they aren't very good for me, and there are adverse repercussions. I have to start remembering those adverse repercussions before doing them. Note to self: It's not worth it.

I. Chocolate. I get stressed out, aggavated, for a few hours, and I want to have chocolate, or something high fat. Chocolate causes or exacerbates heartburn. One Resses Cup & I can hurt for days. Today, I told myself, "It likely won't be that bad & you've had a bad day. Go ahead, splurge!" Now I hurt so much I can't sleep. Note to self: It's not worth it.

II. Type A behavior. I'm somewhat of a Type A person. I care about hitting the marks and doing a good job. I am fortunate that my employers have accomodated me by recognizing that mornings can be rough for me & they let me start on a varying schedule between 9:00 and 10:00 as I can. But I've a tendency to work late to try to achieve more. And that makes me tired & stressed. Not good with a condition that is exacerbated by stress and exhaustion.

There's a posting for a promotion open now. I've been looking at it. On one level I could do it. I'm good at organizing & leading. On the other hand, I watch the other senior ALJs and they are all stressed to the max and overworked and some have even told me that the pay isn't enough different from what I make now to compensate for the additional aggravation. Upon further thought, it seems like a recipe for making myself worse health-wise, and that would adversely affect my quality of life. Note to self: It's not worth it.

III. Staying up late. I am a night person, but lately I don't have a lot of energy after working late most nights. I stay up late to have more me time sometimes (sometimes just because I hurt too much to sleep). Staying up late for "me" time isn't working for me. It just makes me more tired, which screws up other things. Note to self: It's not worth it.

IV. Money. We're being offered an opportunity for overtime at work. I'd have to work an additional ten hours a week, but only be paid for 7.5 of it in money; 2.5 of it would be in comp time. I've been seriously thinking of it because it might help pay down my credit cards. I remember though the last time there was an overtime push & I worked it (& I was healthy then - it was before ANY of my medical problems), I was constantly exhausted & frequently sick & it kicked me into a higher tax bracket and I had to pay unreal taxes the next April. This time, the way it's set up, people in my section would only have the opportunity 1 or 2 weeks out of every 6. I figured it out. I'd make an additional $290 a week, about. I don't think thast's enough to risk thoroughly screwing up my health. Note to self: It's not worth it.

I need to learn to practice balance. I need to learn to build it in. It will greatly improve my overall quality of life. Overall quality of life has become much more important to me. Momentary faux indulgences just aren't worth it.

R came up on the 18th and stayed through the weekend. I put him on a plane to go home yesterday. We had a really good time together. I always feel calmer and happier when we're together...and well-loved!

My heartburn went quite low grade ( most buit not all of the time). It even disappeared once or twice. We went out to dinner/lunch a few times & it mostly worked well. (I took home leftovers.)I found that by taking a couple Zy-gest with the first mouthful of the meal I could eat more than I expected to be able to, without incident.We ate Indian, Italian, & Thai & I was able to find something I could eat at each of them. I LOVED the different flavors. Even though I ate pretty much the same basic ingredients each place, they tasted so different & I love that.

We spent an afternoon at MassMOCA. I really liked the Nanjing Particle exhibit and the Saul Lewitt exhibit. The with the terrariums suspended from the ceiling that have holes in the bottom you can put your head in was interesting too.

Another day we drove out to Old Sturbridge Village, a living history museum. It was really quite interesting, but we didn't have enough time to see it all. It was rather crisp (read cold but sunny) the day we were there & its too early in the year for the trees to have leaves. I think it could be quite beautiful in a different season.

The other days we stayed closer to home, & cuddled, talked, etc.

It was a very good visit. I was sad to drop him at the airport. It will be awhile before we can see each other again. :(

One day back at work & my heartburn is back. Sigh.

Last week my employer sent me & two others to Hauppauge for a week as part of an ongoing thing to send two to three people a week to that office to do hearings as they have (had) one heck of a backlog. And that's not fair to people who are needing help in this economy. I was glad to help the people, but it was a rough week for me.

I hadn't done hearings on a regular basis in years, so I was kinda stressed about it. In addition, I had to start the work day much earlier than I normally do (plus it was just after Daylight Savings Time started so it was even earler, really) so I had to adjust when I took my meds & supplements. I ended up feeling really queasy every day from 5:30 AM to 9:30 AM; after that the queasiness went away.It made the first hearing of the day a challenge.

We stayed in a hotel for five nights. Although the beds were quite comfortable, I didn't sleep well. I also had some challenges with finding food I could eat. I packed all my supplements, and went to the grocery for some soft food & some protein drinks (had a room with a frig & a microwave), but we also ate out a few time too. I overdid it a couple times & ended up on liquids the next day.

I had some abdominal pain & bloating during the course of the week, and a lot of exhaustion. I also had low grade heartburn during most of the week -- that flared to high grade by the end of the week (through the two nexium & two zantc I take a day). On the other hand, I did 19 hearings & completed all the decisions before I left. I am well able to work through pain & queasiness anymore.

R. called each night & I was able to tell him about my day, which helped me let go of it.

Ironically, but not real surprisingly (given my body's tendency towards delayed reactions) my heartburn went really bad as we were leaving the area & stayed bad the whole weekend.

When I got home, I got "cold kitty tail" from my cats who were p.o.'d that I'd been away a week. They wanted nothing to do with me. But I wasn't home long -- only two hours. I was home long enough to clean up some cat mess, repack for the weekend, and realize that I was real tired ... if I hadn't paid $180, nonrefundable, I wouldn't have gone to the church retreat. But I'm glad I went. It was a very good experience. I also think that it helped calm down my jagged edges. I had less heartburn today, not quite gone, but heading in that direction.

Also, when I got home the second time, my cats were happy to see me. ("Oh my gosh, we made her mad by ignoring her - she left again! She's back! Love her! so she'l stay!")

Today I found out that my employer will soon be offering overtime, minimum 10 hours a week (only 7.5 hours paid OT, the other 2.5 we'd get comp time for allegedly - except that the last time this happened, we never got to take the comp time because the rules were that you must take it in the pay period you earned it & they'd never let us take off because we were needed in the crisis). I'm going back & forth in my mind. The OT would help pay my debts down, but I can't imagine that it would help my health any. What to do? Gotta think on this. ....

After the last post the whatever-it-was I had zonked me good. Icalled in sick Thursday & Friday & slept most of each day and most of the weekend as well. I finally felt well enough to go to work today.

I did go see Dr. N on Friday (which wiped me out so much I went home to bed instead of to work). She's put me back on the high dose probiotics that I'd cut out because they were so expensive, but I felt a positive difference witin two days. She also suggested I take (in addition to the other supplements I was taking) a teaspoon of organic soy lecithin a day, a teaspoon of flax oil a day, and 1-2 teaspoons of liquid aloe a day. This brings it to about 9 supplements and/or liquid vitamins I'm taking a day.

I got my blood test results back today from a week or so ago. The new primary care doctor (Dr. B) says that "Overall, your bloodwork looks great!" I have no anemia. I have normal sugar, kidney, & liver function. My cholesteral levels are good. My LDLs (or "bad" cholesterol) is okay because I don't have a history or family history of cardiac diease (otherwise its a little high). My thyroid is normal. My Vitamin D levels are normal. So eveidently all those supplements I'm doing are doing some good.

On the other hand Dr. N suggested I eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast, with dried figs. This shows that even doctors who understand & help a lot don't really understand. Figs are high fiber - I won't even try them, given my problems with other things with fiber. I've had some problems with oatmeal in the past but thought I'd give it another shot because I love it. It's not working out so hot. I'm having the same problems I had the last time I tried it: a stuffed, bloated feeling in the stomach and intestines along pain in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. I haven't had to take the mirilax much recently, but I'm digging it out for this. I want that stuff out of my system; I am NOT comfortable!

I know Dr. N doesn't like a lot of what I eat because most of it is "processed" (I don't have time to make stuff from scratch much - I'm swamped at work). She's a very natural, organic person. But what I eat works for me. I think I'm the best person to tell what works in my body. I will try what she suggests & I'm very glad she introduced me to quinoa (now a staple for me), but I will determine whether to stick with it. And I can't do oatmeal, or if can, I certainly can't do it three days in a row. This is miserable. It hurts.

Dr. N also wants me to be satisfied with eating a very small spectrum of food - which she would prefer be mostly quinoa, asparagus, olive oil, and oatmeal, I think. She thinks that I would be happier if I would accept that I can't eat much & stop trying new things. But I can't do that. Outside of the "fruitcake incident" most of the "new" things I try are simply variations on stuff on the GP diet -- for example I've discovered that Indian food works quite well for me as long as its chicken or fish & rice, but the spices & sauces fill my craving for something different (I'm careful to ask what's in the sauce). Or I'll make a "sauce" for chicken or cod out of that jellied cranberry sauce & a little ginger. I like different flavors. I think God meant us to appreciate as much of His world as we are able. And I'll do that as long as I am able. I was never cut out to be an ascetic. If it gets to the point I can't eat too many different foods, then I'm getting flowers every week, and enjoying them!