An endless debate amongst friends in my Sunday School class is about whether we are "right" to go to God in prayer only with the bigger things (open heart surgery) or more amorphous things (world peace) or whether it is "right" to pray about everything from how to get the computer to work right to parking spaces to finding my keys to thanks when after dumping packing peanuts on the ground on the way to the trash & having to pick them up, I realize it was because God wanted me to notice the violets.

There arfe people of both persuaion in class. Those who go to Him only for big things say that going to Him on everything trivializes our relationship with God as if He had not provided us with sufficient brain power to make decisions about the various trivia of life. I can see the argument, I just don't seem to be able to live that way. I'm one of the ones that talks with Him/prays about everything -- it's more like a running conversation/commentary in my head. I've never been able to really articulate why other than to point out that the Bible says to "pray without ceasing" and "to ask repeatedly" (not that all of my prayers are asking).

This week I came across a passage in a book that pretty nigh well perfectly describes how I feel about it! It's a quote from Orville Swindoll in conversation with Marilyn Meberg from her book "I'd Rather Be Laughing". He said, "I pray about everything. Absolutely everything. For me, it is not so much the items I want Him to take note of as it is my desire to have unbroken communication with Him. I just want Him in on everything! Talking to Him causes me to sense our partnership." That's it! It's not that I can't think for myself or that I don't appreciate the fine brain that God gave me or the body that is strong enough to do most stuff. It's that talking with Him about everything makes my life seem more of a partnership with Him. I am uplifted by His companionship & His presence. He is always leaving me little loving presents, like those violets yesterday. And when times are tougher I don't feel so alone because I know He's always there & will guide me through the mess.

I am appreciative of one thing (more than others for the purposes of this discussion) I've learned in the process of dealing with my GP. One of the things I've learned/am learning is to meditate each day. (A regular meditation practice seems to alleviate stress & lessen my symptoms -- when I forget to do it, things get worse.) I don't do it much or well yet. I do some after my morning devotions & prayers and some directly before bed. The morning time varies, but never more than 5 or ten minutes. The evening goes about 5 minutes. Even so, I'm still learning to "let go" of my thoughts, sometimes it works better than others. I'd like to be able to do it longer but I just can't, yet. But I love the time sitting quietly in communion with God. I "talk" so much with Him in my head, that this time just being with Him in silence is a blessing. Another way of growing our relationship. Like when you sit silently with a friend. And it gives a time for that "still, small voice" to get through the hustle & bustle of my days.

I know I haven't posted in a couple weeks. I've been working 50-60 hour weeks (no, I'm not overtime eligible - but the work must still get done). When the weekend rolls around, I spend Saturday doing all those errands I don't get home in time to do during the week, and Sunday after church, I just kind of hibernate. I don't even want to look at a computer.

I'm eating very carefully, but I am eating real food during the day. Small amounts at a time, of course. Supper is generally a smoothie. I bought the Magic Bullet blender. That thing is fantastic, and it is fantastically convenient since it has multiple cups & I only have to wash the blades every day - the cups can sit in the dishwasher until I run it. I wish I'd bought it sooner.

I have been doing well. I haven't had any real problems - some heartburn breakthroughs on some days, but nothing long term. I'm hoping that doesn't change. Starting tomorrow through the next two weeks I'm on the hearing schedule, that raises my stress levels because it's just not my prime skill set. I shall endeavor to remain calm. We'll see.

Wow! This is the fastest I've ever recovered from that [extremely painful] mistake (see prior entry). So I guess I'm learning. And while I still wish it hadn't taken me three times to figure out it was something I had done rather than some bug that was going around, I have to admit that I wouldn't have learned as much about what to do -- and what not to do! -- to get over it, if I'd figured it out the first time.

The first time it kicked me into a two-plus month setback, much of it back to liquids & mushy food, and the addition of another Zantac to the daily meds. During that one I tried what I'd done in the past (pre-GP) to fix the symtoms: advil, pepto-bismal & immodium. I also stopped exercising because I felt so miserable. And I just kept getting worse (exponentially so after the immodium & the peptobismal).

The second time I was away from home on business & in a stressful situation, in addition to which dealing with the food was sometimes difficult (more to do with trying to live to coworkers expectations than being able to find food that would do -- I did find a grocery and I had a frig & a microwave), also I was on a flat bed and when things got bad I stopped exercising in favor of sleep. I did know not to try pepto-bismal or immodium. That time it lasted about 1-2 weeks.

This time the intense pain & bloating & such lasted about four days. This time I was home (so sleeping in my bed, with the head up on 4 inch blocks), albeit stressed. I knew not to use pepto-bismal or immodium. I did use the mirilax, initially, but stopped when things were moving again, and I used Gas-X. I never stopped any of my supplements. I only stopped exercising one day (the worst day), the other days I made myself do my morning routine, just lightened up on it a little bit. I also tried something that I read about once on the AGMD GI Motility Support Community Boards, going to bed with a heating pad on my abdomen (tummy through guts). That surprised me how much it helped -- I hadn't thought it was that sort of pain. But I think it helped a lot. I may do that more often. (I used the sort that's stuffed full of corn, or some such, that you microwave, so no concern about falling asleep with an electric one on.)

I felt good enough thos weekend that I went for an exam & picked out new glasses frames yesterday and to a girl's night out party at a friend's house Saturday night. Didn't eat a lot, but did eat some (mini-turkey sandwich on 1/2 a soft white bun & some spinach hors-deourvey thing. Did go a little too far & gave into a small [but too big for me] egg-shaped chocolate cake (lots of burping last night - fortunately my friends understand that its part of the condition, particularly when I eat "too much"). I've got lowgrade heartburn breakthrough today but not killer & no other symptoms. Today, I'm mainly doing liquids other than lunch at church just to be sure I don't overfill me & exacerbate things, but I felt well enough to spend a few hours cleaning house.

This has been an awfully good weekend. And today turned out to be pretty gorgeous out there.

I've been having a very rough few days. This is the third bout of stomach/abdominal illness I've had in four or six months, and I've finally figured out that it's not a bug, it's a reaction. The reaction from Hell! At least now that I know it's a reaction I can avoid it. Ironically, it's something I know should avoid anyway. But extreme pain, queasiness, & vomitting, followed by more days of different sorts of pain, and then bloating, is a much better motivator than "should".

I am a long time emotional eater. This is a very unwise trait to have, or to perpetuate, if you have gastroparesis. But when I'm feeling overwhelmed I tend to "treat" myself with something sugary &/or high fat. And I'm normally not any good at portion control if its right there in front of me... an even worse trait to have, or to perpetuate, if you have gastroparesis.

I've been working 50+ hours a week & feeling exhausted & overworked (& no overtime pay). This last time I had bull's eyes. You know, the caramel things with the sugary sweet center. (The time before this was cheesecake & before that some other sort of candy.) I ate nearly the whole bag, before I wised up & stopped (little bag, but not much is really "little" to a person with GP). I felt okay then & continued the rest of the day as normal. BUT, since GP, my gastrointestinal reactions are always significantly delayed -- which makes it difficult to attach it to a source, til the third time or so. On each occasion the reaction was approximately 8 to 12 hours after the actual ingestion.

And, oh, the reaction! Around 1:00 AM I woke up with really wierd feeling in my lower abdomen, and feeling queasy as hell (at least I learned from my past - no pepto-bismal!). Then I started getting stomach and abdominal cramps. Bad enough that I was debating a run to the ER. I kept alternating getting up and going to the bathroom to, hopefully, resolve something, and lying on my side, curled around a pillow, moaning in pain. I got no sleep. Around 5:00 AM I started vomitting & finally vomitted up the caramels & virtually everything else I'd eaten that afternoon. The vomitting lasted about 45 minites to an hour, then I got a rush of intensely acidic diarrhea (learned from last time: Immodium is an extremely bad idea as it causes weeks worth of killer heartburn!). I eventually fell asleep for an hour or so.

I woke up feeling horrible. I felt like my entire gastrountestinal tract was being eaten by acid. I was also bloated and there were several spots on on my upper abdomen that were literally painful to the touch. I went to work because I was first back up to the hearing section today & I had to be there. I felt like that all day. I was totally uninterested in eating as well, but I didn't know if it would make the acid better to have something else other than me to work on. I tried saltines & Boost Smoothies. I don't know if it helped. It just hurt so all day. I did sleep well that night.

The next day, today, I felt marginally better. A little less acidy throughout, but still very bloated (tummy is stiff!). I also feel like someone's been kickboxing in my abdomen & I still have places painful to the touch.

I'm popping Gas-X strips & increased my Mirilax. Other than that I think I'm stuck with it til it heals from whatever Hell I put it through. I hope it's soon.

So...no more junk food when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Three times of this experience is more than enough not to ever want to do it again The same sort of thing stopped my drinking - pain works as a motivator for me. I just wish I'd made the connection before this time!

Perhaps a nice cup of hot water instead, or a walk around the block! Or some prayers.

Speaking of prayers, if you read this, please say some to ask that I stop hurting soon & feel better soon.

At Sunday School they handed back the list of Spiritual goals we handed in at the start of the school year. I haven't done so hot in meeting my stated goals. It didn't really surprise me, only because I'd recently done a life audit after reading "The One Life Solution" by Dr. Henry Cloud. First you list what your values are then you record what you do every day in 15 minute intervals, or do it with specifics not generalities. I found that my life did not reflect my stated values (of Time with God, Health, Spriritual Growth, Work-Life balance, Relationships, Good Financial Sense). I mean, you would be hard put to tell that some of those values were valuable to me by watching a normal month.

I have plenty of good intentions. I lay them out here periodically. And sometimes I make steps towards them, but then I backslide. Right now, my job has kind of taken over my life and I'm not sure how to un-do that. I don't want to lose it either as the economy sucks & my savings are pretty close to non-existent & my debtload is high -- I need my paycheck.

Intentions are not enough. I need to take concrete steps towards making my values my priorities.

I've set a second alarm clock for 11:00 PM. When it goes off. I'm going to shut down what I'm doing, meditate for 5 minutes, and then go to bed. I will get up at 6:45 (6:30 when I can get to bed early on a regular basis), exercise immediately for 1/2 hour to 45 minutes, then do my devotional & prayer journal for 1/2 hour, with some quiet time. I will watch what I eat. [I hurt less when I get enough sleep, meditate, & have regular prayer time, too!) I started yesterday.

I will figure out concrete steps for other values later as it is 10:56 & that alarm clock is going off soon.

Good night!