I'm still hurting. Though the bloating is gone, I've still got bad heartburn (breastbone to ears), gastritis, and I'm exhausted.

It's been a long week, long month. I've had A LOT to do in the early part of the month (through Dec. 15) Christmas-wise & socially, and I've continued to work long hours at work. I know I was staying up way too late, in order to try to get everything done that needed to be done, on time. I let my life go way out of balance, even though I know balance -- hell, REST is important. Gastroparesis is exacerbated by stress. Screwing with my meds didn't help at all, but neither has letting myself get all stressed out.

I am really, really tired, and I'm tired of pain.

But I'll live.

I keep apologizing for how long it's been since I've posted. It's just that life has been very busy recently, and it's hard to make time to do things that relax me let alone keep up with things like this.

Since I had been doing so well this fall, I was really hoping that I was getting better. It's hard to tell whether I'm getting better or whether I've just learned how to live with this (and I'm in an upswing). So I started experimenting with my medications and supplements, trying to back off taking so many. My doctor keeps encouraging me to do so.

In November, I tried experimenting with cutting back on the Miralax. It disturbs me that I use it so often. I am concerned with getting hooked on it-- which I suppose is a silly concern, given that I've been taking it daily, or every other day, for over a year, and given that my doctor says that's okay in my condition. Initially,I cut back to every other day, then every third day, then stop taking it. When I stopped taking it, with 1.5 weeks my stools got very hard and the bowel movements became very difficult and bloody and painful-- as they had been for most of my adult life. I never knew until I took the Miralax that that wasn't normal. But, more of a problem, within two weeks, I developed very painful breakthrough heartburn (breaking through 2 Nexium and 1 Zantac a day). A that point I gave up and started taking the Miralax again-- I can't deal with that heartburn. It took a while for it to go away, and then left me with gastritis symptoms and a bruised feeling tummy.

After I started feeling better I started thinking of other waysto do this. Some of my frients at the AGMD motility boards take a combination of 2 ounces of aloe juice, 2 ounces of prune juice, and 2 ounces of water twice a day in order to avoid the constipation that we get. I thought I would try it. On the first day I mixed up that mixture and drink it, I had horrible, intense, painful lower abdominal cramps that lasted over an hour. It was so painful, that I didn't take evening dose, because I was afraid. I was very confused, because I have been taking an ounce of aloe juice daily, straight, for nearly a year now without any sort of repercussion. It was hard to imagine that that result was caused by prune juice. Anyway, the next day I made the mixture with 1 1/2 ounces of each item. That day, the result was delayed a few hours, and it hit at work, but I still had absolutely intense horrible intestinal cramps. I did not take the nighttime dose, because I still hurt from the morning dose. The next day I had a hearing in the morning and could not afford to deal with the cramps, so I didn't take it at all. No cramps. I thought maybe my body had to adjust to using it. And the next day tried a 1 ounce (each) version. I felt funny but didn't get cramps.I didn't take it at night, with the same result. It also didn't work for the purposes for which I took it, at all. So the next day I increased the dosage, and got the cramps back. By this time I was so very tired of hurting constantly, because after the cramps went away, I just felt so bruised inside, and I develop stomach pain as well and bloating, and eventually heartburn. I wrote a friend at the a AGMD motility boards who I know takes it and asked her if this was a normal reaction. It's not. She's never had any cramps with it whatsoever, and neither has anyone else she's known who takes it.I've stopped taking it -- I can handle that pain. I'd rather take the MiraLax.

In late November and into early December,I decided to try to cut back on the heartburn medication. I was able to go to just two nexium in a day and drop the Zantac entirely without problems. I maintained that for nearly a month. Then I tried to cut the nexium back to one a day. It worked for three days. Then I got that fiery walnut of heartburn back in my middle chest. I took a Zantac to make it go away, which worked for about four hours. But the next day the heartburn was worse. I started taking the second nexium again four days ago, but I still have heartburn. Bad heartburn. I'm adding him to Zantac at night again. I'm really hoping it will start work again soon. I've also got gastritis in my tummy, and some bloating. I just hurt. And I want to stop hurting.

All of this is making me seriously reconsider my plans to start trying to eat more vegetables and fruits in the new year. None of my other experiments have worked particularly well. I'll have to think about that more. I am beginning to guess that I haven't gotten that much better, I just know how to live with it. And frankly, knowing how to live with it, and have a quality life, is not a bad thing, if you have to be stuck with it to begin with.

Now, it's way late and I have to go to bed. I hope you're having happy tummy days.

This seems to be turning into a monthly blog. While I've been busy, frankly, I'm also getting better, I think, and there's not so much to write about. Either that or I've settled into my eating/supplement/life routine and its working. I've not had a bad reaction since last I posted. I've even entirely dropped the Zantac, and I keep forgetting to take the second Nexium at the right time, so I'm considering experimenting with dropping that.

The thing I couldn't talk about? Well, I had applied and interviewed for a promotion. I didn't get it. It may be for the best as I use a lot of leave time to see Ron & my current senior doesn't question it. I don't know that that would have been the same if I'd gotten the promotion.

I'm in the throes of the fall portion Stewardship program at church; the estimate of giving drive. (I run a year round educational discipleship program. Stewardship is NOT a fundraising committee.) So I'm busy there too. I gave a speech even a few Sundays ago. It seemed to go well, though I can tell you I didn't see a single person when I looked out from the podium! (nervous!) I've gotten some good responses to it. I'm happy.

I'm not happy about my weight. I've gained 15 pounds. I've got a sweet tooth & somebody has had candy or donuts out at work every single day. I have no will power. (That's part of how I know I'm getting better GP wise -- I'm eating too much of this junk & not getting GP symptoms). I also let my exercising slide over the summer when it got too hot & didn't pick it up again until two weeks ago. And I'm so out of shape I had to go back into it with beginner tapes and have had to work into it. So I'm going to try an experiment. Can't hurt, might help. I'm getting a weight loss hypnosis program. I'm hoping it will bolster my willpower both to not eat sweets and to exercise rather than make excuses.

I also feel almost ready to experiment with eating non-GP approved vegetables/salads again. Not yet though. I know if I'm wrong, it could cause another 2-3 month bad time (based on past experience) & I don't want to screw up my holiday season. So I intend to try vegetables/fruits (cooked) starting in January. If that works, I'll try some salads in February, and assuming that works, whole grain later in the spring. I don't think I'll go to the extreme I was before the diagnosis (Weight Watchers super high fiber) as I don't EVER want to experience this again if I can help it. If I have to live with it -- if the experiments don't work - I will, but I'd like to get as much healthy food back as possible, even if I have to put it into soups & continue eating soup for most of my meals for the rest of my life.

I'll keep up with the blog to let you all know how it goes, but I know that it probably won't be more than once or twice a month. And if I get back to normal, this will probably slide. There's too many other things to do!

Oh, geez, I did it again. I'm just not cut out to keep up a regular blog. This time I was waiting for the results of something I shouldn't talk about publicly until there are results -- and, well, there aren't any yet. Kinda aggravating that.

The other problem is that despite the usually very private physical things I talk about in this blog, I'm not the sort of person real inclined to talk about a lot of personal emotional or relational or work-related in a public forum. That has always seemed beyond risky to me. So its difficult to come up with filler material. There's a purpose to discussing the other personal physical & health related stuff, in that it might help someone else.

I've largely been okay physically in this month that I haven't posted. I had about 4 days of a bad time (GERD breakthrough, bloating, constipation, pain, general yuckiness) but I went back on a liquid & yogurt/pudding/ pureed soup diet for about a week & increased the mirilax and it went away, thank the Lord.

I am thankful that I have been doing okay even through some fairly stressful things like a couple presentations at work and preparing for one next Sunday at church. And the thing I can't talk about yet. LOL!

I just got a notice for jury duty during the week of a conference that really didn't want to go to anyway. So I'm hoping to be called to go sit there & wait to be questioned. I think it would be cool to be picked too. I've always thought that would be fascinating. However, its unlikely to happen I know, one side or the other is likely to object me off given my background. But it would be more interesting just to sit there & read a book waiting to be called than to have to go to the conference. I don't know how I'd handle the food for that though. Maybe just bring an Ensure or two, to be on the safe side.

I've come to realize in life that just as most people are doing the best that they can at any given point in life (I talked about that in a prior post some months ago), most people actually do mean well when they are commenting on what I'm eating or giving me health advice. They mostly want to do something to help. They don't realize that some of the comments are really quite hurtful or aggravating. This is another case of applying Dad's axiom, "Don't take offense where it isn't meant." It means practicing patience with others foibles & fumbles (as well as my own) and remembering that we're all still growing into the people we wish to be.

I'm not saying it's easy. There are a few comments, based in helpful ignorance, that I could easily go the rest of my life without hearing again, such as:

You will never get better without a balanced diet.

All those supplements can be dangerous.

How will your stomach get back on normal food if you give in to this?

Any diet without fresh fruit and vegetables cannot be healthy.

You will have to see my (insert random specialist here)!

Should you be eating that?

Just eat a little. You never know. You won't know if you are getting better if you don't try.

For heaven's sake. It's just (insert food here).

Aren't you exaggerating?

I thought fiber kept you regular?! How can it make you constipated?!!

You know those probiotics and enzymes are just a placebo, right?

Gee, you really seem to like these smoothies. You have a whole cart full. Is it working? Have you lost weight?

I really think this is all in your head.

You say you're bloated, but you don't look like it.

(At a party) I know you're on a special diet, so I made (insert something with lots of vegetables in it here).

If I could could trade places with you I would.

But you look so healthy. Or, But you look good! (Implying disbelief.)

Ew! That's nasty food!

You, me, and *insert other friend* can go out for lunch. Well, you can watch us eat.

You won't know if (bs treatment) will work if you don't try it.

You really do need to get some exercise.

No wonder you are gaining weight, if all you eat are carbs. You need to start eating salads.

You sure do go to the dr. a lot.

You weigh more than (insert random man's name).

There are people much worse off than you. (I know that, I never said otherwise. I just want to do what I can to feel the best I can now.)

By the way I know I'm overweight. I'm trying to deal with it the best way I know given that I can't eat most fruits, vegetables, or whole grains, and given the fact that there's a fine line to exercise in that too much makes me feel a lot worse & screws me up further. I do exercise daily. I don't actually eat a lot. I'm just trying to be as healthy as I can be & the supplements help with that. I don't look bad - I can still buy my clothes in regular stores & I have nice clothes. But comments about my weight hurt.

Since I can't change anybody but me, I'm trying to learn & practice more patience & forgiveness & understanding. I'm trying to learn to let go sooner. I sound like I'm a freaking saint. I'm no saint. I'm just trying to be more mature about it all & remember people are all flawed and, mostly, they mean well.